I was charged with starting a blog to talk about all the things that make me who I am today and as I struggle to write these very first words, I Struggle Against Hope that this will be all I want and think it should be. This blog will be an ongoing story of my life not just simple writings here and there. Enjoy!
January 2, 2013
I am a mother, a wife, a daughter and a sibling. Even in the midst of identifying all the things that I am I still find it hard to identify me.I have the labels that society has given me but are they really who I am? Can I really be quantified by these labels; yes and no. I am these things and so much more. These labels are just a brief look into the life of Tina.
I was born to Jeanette Pennington and Thomas Macklin on Oct 1. I would like to think that it was a joyous juncture in their lives to have a brand new baby girl who is premature but ready for the world to see. For my mother this is her second child and she is 19 years old and my father is about to turn 24 at my birth. They are young and full of hope and aspirations I believe or at least I hope. Let us fast forward to the six year old Tina who remembers her parents breaking up and mother and father fighting...I wonder where did the dream go. I lived a life where I had the 3 bedroom house with real hardwood floors and huge front and back yard, I played at the park with my friends and my mother and father both lived in the same home. I had my own room to sleep in, but oddly enough, I do not remember being tucked in at night. I do not remember my mother or father holding me or kissing me goodnight. I do not even remember birthday parties. I do remember running through the house sliding on those hardwood floors with my socks on though!
One day the fairy-tale life ended abruptly. It was all over! Mother and Father were no more, relatives and neighbors were standing in our home, trying to convenience my mother and father to stop fighting and trying to shield this 6 year girl from the grown up things that were going on. I saw it all, I heard the tears, the screams, the door slams, the fist fights and even the gun being drawn. In what seemed like an eternity to me my mother and father were ending their union. My father with his fist and my mother with her gun had decided they should part ways never to look back again; I am in between them both begging and pleading for my daddy not to hit my mother any more and my mother not to shoot my father.
We moved out and on with our lives, Mom and Me... We struggled and we hoped that life would get easier for us without him; we were both sad, she had lost her mate and I had lost my Dad... the struggle against hope was lost, we both felt defeated. I watched my mother try as a six year old tries to understand, pick up her life and move forward as best as she knew how. Looking back over the events now as an adult I now understand she was looking for love, validation, understanding, and her self-worth all the while trying to support a child on $2.75 an hour. I, in my six year old way am trying to support my mother the best way I know how. Be a good little girl, don't make her sad any more than she already is. Get good grades in school, help clean the house, tell her how much I love her and do whatever I can at six, seven, eight and nine to help my mother so she is not sad anymore.
Right away I learn to people please (more on that in a later blog); another label I can give Tina; Enter a new era in my life, Mom is not sad anymore she has found a new mate and life is good for her for awhile. I am eight now. Mom is pregnant and I am anticipating the birth of my new sibling and the new title I am about to gain, sibling. You see I am the middle child of 3 children, but at this point I do not know what it is like to be a sibling, because my older sister does not live with us. Hope has returned to our lives for a while! Stay tuned... The Struggle Against Hope continues.
